So I crossed my legs and his hand dropped off
by overnightcelebrity
Summary: Georgias back, and she's off to the ski slopes of Froggyagogo!
1. Chapter 1

**CHAPTER 1**

**  
**

**

* * *

**

**  
**

**Friday December 24th**

**11.00 p.m.**  
Brrrrr, it's nippy noodles out tonight. Mr Next Door is still banging about in the garden. He is such a nuisance. I have been thinking about sending some footage of his unsociable behaviour to Neighbours From Hell. He'd be soooo mad.

**11.15 p.m.**  
Am writing a letter to the people at ITV. Ha ha ha.

**11.19 p.m.**  
Libbs has just climbed into my bed. In the nuddy-pants.  
"Libby, I am very busy. I do not have time for your games."  
"Ginger look, its wormy!"  
"… That's lovely."  
"Kiss it"  
"Libbs, no…"  
"KISS IT. Bad boy."  
"Well…"

**11.22 p.m.**  
I have just got up to number three on the snogging scale with a WORM. I cannot believe my life.

**Saturday December 25th**

**10.41 a.m.**  
I woke up to the sound of an automobile tooting annoyingly outside on the drive. I hobbled to the window to find out who was disturbing me at this unearthly hour and of course, it was favourite Uncle. Vati was out there too.  
"Do you realise that some people want to relax on the day of Christ's birth? I would advise that you two quieten down."  
They just looked up at me and started laughing like drains. Why was I born into such a useless family?

**11.30 a.m.**  
I forgot that with Uncle Eddie came Cousin James. This is the worst Christmas ever.

**11.35 a.m.**  
On the phone to Jas.  
"This is the wor-"  
"Sorry Gee, can't talk for long. I am just about to go on a little ramble with Tom. I persuaded my mum to let him stay for Christmas, isn't that great?"  
"Yes, but-"  
"Tom, where are my waders?"  
"Stop talking about waders, Jas! Do you not even care what tragedositys there are in the world, i.e. at my house? Do you not care that I have had to spend thirty minutes sitting on the settee with my Cousin James convincing him that strip poker is a bad idea at a festive family gathering?"  
Rustling on the other end.  
"Gee, sorry, Tom just tripped over the dog. What were you saying?"  
I cannot believe it.

**2.30 p.m.**  
Will the Roller-Coaster of Doom never end?

**2.46 p.m.**  
I'm guessing no, because the whole clown-mobile crew have just arrived at our house. Merde.

**2.47 p.m.**  
Rang Dave the Laugh.  
"Hi Dave."  
"Hello Sex Kitty"  
"I am living in the house of the criminally mental."  
"Erlack!"

* * *

AN-

I hope you like it, and please give me feedback! Next chapter up soon!

x


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**

* * *

3.00 p.m.**  
At the park with Dave the L.  
He pretended to scratch his arm and then rested his hand on my lap.  
I smiled at him but all I could think about was the Twix in his hand going all over my new cream trousers. So I crossed my legs and his hand dropped off (not entirely, just off my lap). Phew, that was close.  
"So… what's going on with you and Robbie?"  
"I don't really know. I am not 'seeing' him, so… you know. I am free and single, single and free. You know the way."  
He's looking at me, and I'm looking back, blinking like a blinky thing.

**3.45 p.m.**  
Oh GOD!  
Me and Dave the Laugh snogged! Again! My red bottomosity is getting out of control once more.

**3.46 p.m.**  
But it was actually very nice snogging him. And you know, he is rather cool looking. Phoned Jas to tell her the news, but no one picked up. I suppose she is still out collecting acorns with Hunky.

**10.00 p.m.**  
The clown crew have just left in their clown-mobiles. Unfortunately they forgot to take my father with them.

**Monday December 27th  
**  
The Ace Gang are coming round later to get ready for the gig tonight. I hope Dave the L. isn't there. Anyway, why do I care? He is nothing to me, in my state of sophisticosity and maturosity.

**6.18 p.m.**  
Sitting with my nose in its knicker hammock.

**6.30 p.m.**  
Ace Gang have just arrived. Nutritious snack of oven chips before the tarting up begins!  
Rosie said through a mouthful of cheesy snacks  
"So I heard that you and Dave the Laugh snogged again."  
"Who told you?"  
"Well Dave told Tom, who told Jas who told us." Merde. Do they have no lives of their own?

**6.55. p.m.**  
Getting ready. Facemask. Foundation. Lippy. Mascara.  
"I am pondering over whether to wear my boy entrancers tonight. After, you know, what happened last time."  
"Which, um, boy are you trying to entrance, Georgia?" Is Ellen really still hung up on Dave the L.? Pathetico.  
"I don't know." She is completely ridiculous. Dave is just my laugh. He is, after all, called Dave the Laugh and not Dave the Snog.  
"I suppose there's no point in, um, wearing them then." Oh mon deiu!

**7.30 p.m.**  
Huddling outside the club, waiting to go in. Jools has started fiddling with her knicks, which are, by the way, a tragic shade of grey.  
"Jools, what in the name of Wet Lindsay's bra and matching thong set are you doing?"  
"Adjusting my knicks. Rollo bought them for me, but I said I was a size six when really I'm a ten. The elastic is digging into-"  
"So you lied to him?"  
"Well, y-"  
"Abut your knick knack size?"  
"Come on, it's-"  
"That is low, Jools. Really low." And I walked away from them all.  
I really am too mature for them. They are so shallow.

**7.35 p.m.**  
In the loos adjusting my nungas.

**7.40 p.m.**

The Laugh has entered the building! And he's walking towards me! Oh god. Pouty pout, flickity flick. Smiling smiling, nose sucky in.  
"Hi Gorgeous." Oh god.  
"Hello, Dave."  
"I didn't know you would be here. Can't get enough of me, eh?" He's grinning at me now like a grinning thing. Stay calm, stay calm.  
"I just have to go and…drink." See, that was okay.  
"Oh, I'll come with you."

* * *

Third part coming soon! Leave reviews!

xx


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**

* * *

9.30 p.m.**  
Have spent the last hour dancing like a loon with Dave, Rosie and Sven. We have even done a new version of 'lets go down the disco', which starts with hip waggling, followed by extreme arm waving and high kicking. Soon everyone had evacuated the dance floor for fear of being knocked over by Sven's giganticamus platforms.

**9.46 p.m.**  
In the loos with Jas.  
"Po, I am in a state of ponderosity."  
"Don't call me that!"  
"Call you what?"  
"You know what!"  
"I really don't. Go on Jassyknickers. Say it!"  
"I am not having this conversation with you, Georgia."  
"Okay, bye." I walked out of the bogs and left her goggling after me. Hadihaha. She who laughs last laughs the last, and I am she!

**9.47 p.m**.  
Back in the loos. Forgot my makeup bag.

**12.13 a.m.**  
Brrr. Standing outside in the Antarctic conditions, waiting for Jas. Her and Hunky must have found an interesting pinecone.  
Dave has walked up next to me doing a sort of jig.  
"What in the name of Jas' pantaloons are you doing?"  
"It's just my Irish heritage."  
"You are not even Irish."

**12.20 a.m.**  
Me and Dave spent about five minutes jigging when Huffyknickers turned up.  
"I have been looking for you everywhere, Georgia. I thought something bad had happened."  
"What, like you wearing normal sized knickers? Oh wait, that would be a positive thing!" Jas huffed in her knickers and flicked her fringe around. She is so annoying.

**Tuesday December 28th**

Last night before we left, Dave snogged me again! And I am going to the cinema with him tomorrow night!

**1.34 p.m.**  
Rummaging through Mutti's wardrobe to find suitable outfit.

**1.36 p.m.**  
I cannot believe the sadosity of my mother's clothes. Does she think she is my age or something?

**2.00 p.m.**  
Have settled on black miniskirt and black jumper, with Mutti's new knee high boots. I will ooze matureosity and vixenosity.

**6.46 p.m.**  
Rang Jas.  
"Oh, it's you."  
"Thank you for that warm welcome Jas."  
"Well Tom is supposed to be ringing."  
"And he is more important than your best mate? At least I'm not a vegetable in trousers!"  
She hung up. I cannot believe her!

**10.13 p.m.**  
In bed. Libby has crawled under the covers.  
"Gingey, its wormy here." Oh god. Please Buddha tell me that it is not the same worm.  
"Looky Ginger!" I have a horrible feeling that it is.  
"Libby, I think you should go and give wormy to mummy to look after overnight. Why don't you do that?"  
"No, bad boy."  
I give up.

* * *

Keep leaving feedback! 4th part coming sooooon!

x


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

**

* * *

**

**Wednesday December 29th  
7.00 p.m.**  
I'm standing in the street, shivering and cursing, when Dave pops out from behind a bush and says "Boo!" in the most unsurprising voice in the history of the universe. He is ridiculous.  
I said, "Because that _never_ gets old" and huffed into the cinema foyer, adjusting my nungas as I went.

**10.02 p.m.**  
But he did look tres bon and cool tonight. I could almost feel my lips puckering when my eyes met his, and I'm sure my bottom quivered slightly when he held my hand. Oh mon deiu.

**10.03 p.m.**  
**Looking out of the bedroom window**  
I did my infamous 'sticky eyes' and it must have worked because he spent the entire evening completely under my spell. We walked me back to my house and had a quick snogging session behind the tree, then Dave pulled away and stared at me as serious as a nun. It was actually vair vair scary bannanne. I flicked my hair attractively, fluttering my eyelashes. Flutter flutter, flicky flick. He ignored me and then said, "You know Georgia, I think I am through with this General Horn lark." Then he looked right into my eyes again. I just stood there like a goosegog, trying not to cross my eyes, whirling this new information around in my mind, until eventually he flew off into the night.

**10.30 p.m.**  
What in the name of Budduh's gigantimous nappy is he on about?

**10.50 p.m.**  
Rang Jas.  
"What?"  
"Thanks, Jas. You give me such warm greetings. They really show me how much you care."  
Silence.  
"Don't you want to know about the goings-on vis-à-vis Dave The Laugh?"  
Jas sighed annoyingly.  
"Well, I know you're going to tell me anyway."  
"You think you know me so well, Jas. Well how about this; you don't, so I'm going to hang up now. Have a fun time rearranging twigs or whatever it is you do in your free time!!!" And I slammed the phone down angrily. She is such a crap mate.

**11.05 p.m.**  
Restless. Rang Rosie.  
"Bonjour Georgia. How was your date with The Laugh?"  
"He did that talking thing, and then that staring thing."  
"Non!!!"

**10.30 p.m.**  
In bed. Rosie said that I should just wait it out and that time will tell. Oh, rave on, rave on. "Time will tell"? I could have gone to Vati for advice that crap!

**Thursday December 30th**  
**9.00 a.m.**  
Wake up to Mr Next Door drilling a hole through his front door. I call out of the window to ask what it is and he says he is fitting a "spy hole". Like his stalkerosity needs any more encouragement.

**9.16 a.m.**  
Peeking through the curtains. A huge gust of wind has blown their door shut! Mr N.D. is still outside, ringing the doorbell angrily. Hahahaha!!!

**10.00 a.m.**  
Vati has joined in now and is trying to ram the door open. He is really huffing and puffing. Good luck, Old Weak One.

**Thirty minutes later**  
They are finally in! The spare key under the doormat must have slipped their minds. I might inform them later, as a little joke.

**11.40 a.m.**  
Ellen rung. We are going to Boots to stock up on back to school make up supplies. Yipee!

**12.15 p.m.**  
**Town hall**  
In the pouring rain with Jas, Rosie, Ellen and Mabs, trying to fit under a single umbrella. Our cleverosity never ceases to amaze.  
As we trundle into Boots, Jassy says,  
"Have you all read the code of conduct? We are allowed to have a streak in our hair this year."  
We all look at each other. I say, squeakily,  
"A streak?"  
"Oui. I'm not sure if-" But Po's rambling is pointless because we are already halfway into the "hair dye" isle.

**1.30 p.m.**  
**Rosie's bathroom**  
Sitting on the floor, glancing in the mirror at my fab new pink streak. I look sooo cool. Unlike Jas. She really does think she is Kate Moss. I'm watching her now, pouting in the mirror as if she is a supermodel. Pathetico.  
Ellen is dithering around as usual; the only one out of the five of us streakless (Ooh-er).  
"Mum is going to kill me. I've already been grounded once this week. I really don't think-"  
Blimey O'Reilly's trousers!!! Everyone's ears shoot up with stunned amazosity. I, as spokesperson of the Suprise Squad, begin the prodding.  
"Grounded? What for?"  
"Well... you know Monday night at , you know, Late and Live..."  
We stare at her, eyes on stalks, earlugs on tenterhooks.  
"Yeeeeessss..." we say simultaneously.  
"Well, I went to the loo because, you know, I really needed to go-" Oh, Merde.  
"-We dont care about your toilet behaviours, Ellen!!!"  
"S-sorry. So afterwards I came out and I bumped into you know, Peter. And he was really nice and cool, and anyway, at the end of the night we snogged and I'm seeing him on Saturday for a proper date. And because of the snogging and um, everything, I got home late so, you know, my mum was really angry."  
We just stare at her, agog.  
"Wh-Whelk Boy...?"

**3.30 p.m.**  
Ten Mars Bars and a vat of oven chips later, everyone trudges off home.  
I am in a state of complete shockosity. How could she??? And how on earth did she survive the slaver of his unforgiving lips???

**A few seconds later**  
My own scarring experience is all coming back to me now. Erlack erlack!!!

* * *

I did 2 chapters (4&5), but decided to merge them because they were both very short! So you may have read the first bit of chaper 4 but now there's a second bit to it, if you get my drift! 

I'll be writing more soon I hope! Please leave feedback xx


	5. Chapter 5

**5.30 p.m.**  
In complete black-hole of irk-osity. What is wrong with Ellen??? Maybe she has had one of those brain transplant thingies. There really is no other plausible answer. I am just about to put on my P-Js when the door slams open and in gallops Libbs, bearing a purple plastic fairy wand, flailing it towards me severely and roaring.  
"Libbs..." I say, recoiling in terror as she takes a swing at my leg.  
"ROARRRRR!!! I AM A WITCH!"  
"Libby, stop- ARGHHHHH!" 

**6.30 p.m**.  
Sitting at the kitchen table, a bag of frozen peas in my eye socket. I cannot believe this!!!

**One minute later  
**Standing in front of the mirror and staring furiously at my black eye. How fab - I look like a Bummer Twin!! Just as I am applying a healing ointment of Aloe Vera and saltwater (my own, miserable tears), Libby runs in crying.  
"Gingie, I'm sowwy!" she says, flinging her arms around my legs.  
I pat her on the head.  
"It's okay Libbs, I forgive you."  
"Mummy took witchy wand away."  
"GOOD."

**Friday December 31st  
11.00 a.m.  
Sitting on doorstep**  
Bored out of my skull, waiting for Vati to take me to the pool. Rosie rung earlier and I am going to her New Years Celebration tonight!! However, to ensure I am in tip-top physical condition for the party extravaganza, I have decided to go for a swim. Just as I commence on my pre-swim stretches, Vati appears.  
"Georgia, what on earth are you doing?"  
"Stretching!" I say, mid-lunge.  
"Well you look like an crazed orang-utan", he says, laughing like a drain. I move onto arm windmills and glance at him pityingly. When the world is taken over by land-dolphins and humans are ejected to the sea, he'll be sorry.

**12.00 p.m.  
In the pool  
**Pant pant pant.  
Merde. This is harder than I thought. I've done five lengths and already I'm wheezing like a drowning vole. What is wrong with me??? I pause at the shallow end to catch my breath, and look around. As I glance longingly towards the jacuzzi, my whole face is suddenly sprayed with water. Wiping my eyes and spluttering, I spin my head round, to come face to face with the most gorgeous boy in the history of the universe.  
"Sorry about that!" he says, as I ogle him. "I was jumping in and didn't see you there."  
"Nrrngh."  
He looks at me uneasily, then turns, pulls on his goggles and front-crawls away down the lane.  
Merde.  
I was thinking of getting out but actually, maybe I should do just a few more lengths. Just in case. As I prepare to push off (limbering up exercises, rhythmic breathing, etc), I see le garcon gorgeous whipping towards the shallow end again. Oh mon dieu. No time for rhythmic breathing. One, two, three, GO!!! I push off and, thinking like a graceful dolphin, whoosh through the water. As soon as I hit the surface, I begin my expert crawl stroke. One, two, three, BREATHE! One, two, three, BREATHE! Ha di ha. I am soooo good. Halfway to the end of the lane, I turn round nonchalantly to see if he is goggling me from the shallow end (Ha, I KNOW he is!!!), but practically leap out of the water as I see him tailing inches behind me. Merde! Forgetting about breathing and the graceful dolphins in my mind, I speed up and thrash my way to the deep end, then turn and thrash back again, arms flailing like a mad eels. I finally reach the shallow end, panting furiously. Ha ha, he's only just pushed off from the deep end!!! Thinking quickly, I rake my hands through my hair. Just as I'm examining for panda eyes, he draws up next to me and pulls off his goggles.  
"That's okay." I say. He looks at me.  
"Sorry?"  
I smile, sucking my nose in.  
"I said it's okay. I don't mind that you splashed me earlier."  
Oh, great. Now he's going to think I'm some kind of frail pushover, like Wet Lindsay!  
"I mean, of course I mind. But I forgive you." I watch him ogling me. "Well, I don't completely forgive you. I mean it was pretty... inexcusable!" I finish, and flick my hair in an un-pushover fashion.  
"...Right", he says, staring at me. "Well... I don't want to lose the flow," he gestures to the lane and starts pulling his goggles on.  
"Neither do I", I hear myself saying coolly. "One cannot maintain tip-top physical condition without work, you know." I roll my eyes with an air of all-knowingosity and whoosh off.

**Thirty minutes later  
In the changing rooms  
**Tarting myself up within the safety of my cubicle.  
I had just been strolling towards the hairdryers, but when I spotted the new and improved Sex God hovering next to them, I leapt like a mad snake back into a stall. What is wrong with me???

**Five seconds later**  
How can I conceal my nose???

**One minute later  
At the hairdryers**  
As I dry my hair, I catch Sex God's eye accidentally in the mirror. Oh mon dieu! Sucky nose in, Flicky hair, flicky hair, part lips attractively...  
Yes!!! He's smiling at me!  
I give a tiny smile back and experimentally wave the drier in front of my face, my hair billowing behind me, like in the Pantene advert. I stand, admiring my reflection, and it takes a while before I notice the drier sucking fiercely at my hair. I composedly attempt to coax it away from the aggressive nozzle, but more and more hair gets pulled into it. With clenched teeth, my scalp burning, I begin violently tugging at the knotted tangle and panting furiously. God, how fab. Why does this always happen to me???  
"Do you want some help?" I flick my eyes to see Sex God coming up next to me and turning the hairdryer off with a click. How embarrassing.  
"Thanks."  
"Do you forgive me yet?" Why does he have to look me in the eye in such a scrumbos manner???  
"I suppose so", I reply, examining my nails. There's a long pause as he looks at me with his dark, dreamy eyes. After a while, his expression gradually changes and he says,  
"Is that a black eye??"  
I stare at him, agog.  
What is fresh hell is he talking about???  
Then I suddenly twig. Oh my god. My eye. My stupid, stupid eye!!!  
"What?" I hear myself say, casually brushing a curtain of hair over my left eye, my cheeks burning. "Don't be ridiculous!"  
He looks at me incredulously.  
"What happened?" God. Why can't he just drop it?  
"There's no black eye!" I say, flustering like a mad hen. "Nothing happened!"  
"It does _look_ like a black eye, though - "  
"No! It doesn't!" I squawk. Shut up! Shut uppp!  
"Ok", he says at last, picking up his bag. "Well I better go. See you."  
"Yep, see you next time!" I hear myself say. He stops and frowns quizzically.  
"Next time? I've never seen you here before..."  
Crap.  
"Yes, it's my first time here", I say coolly. "I've always thought pools are for novices." I flick may hair intelligently. "The world is my pool."  
"The world is your pool," he repeats, giving me a weird look.  
"Yes. Oceans, lakes, rivers..."  
"Wow."  
I give a little smile in reply. Ha ha! He is soooo impressed!  
I think I should leave, before I completely ruin everything. I casually fish my mobile from my bag and press a few buttons. "Oh gosh", I say. "I am going to be totally late for the Royal Regatta! Must dash!"  
Erlack. Must come up with a better 'quick exit' excuse next time.  
"Wait!", he says, as I turn to leave. "I could take your number, give you a call when I'm next here..."  
Oh my god!!!  
"Oh", I say evenly. "Well, okay."  
We quickly type each others numbers into our phones, and then he gazes back at me.  
"Right", he says, pausing. " See you later then."  
"Yes. See you."  
YESSSSS! Triple yes! As he walks away, I feel like dancing around singing "I've got Sex God's number! I've got Sex God's number!!" right in the middle of the pool foyer.  
Oh my god, I can't WAIT to tell Jas!!

**2.30 p.m.  
In my room**  
Painting my nails and munching on cheesy snacks. I phoned Jas as soon as I got through the door but her mum said she was out at the cinema with Hunky. Humph. Oh well, it just gives me more time to prepare for Rosie's New Years Extravaganza. I have even started writing a schedule!

2.35 - shower and hair wash.  
2.45 - wax legs.  
3.00 - use Supertan spray thingy from Boots  
3.30 -  


I am halfway through my list when my mobile rings.  
Oh my god.  
Could it be him already??  
I pick it up, bubbling with excitement.  
"Hello?" I say into the receiver.  
"Hi, Gee."  
Yawn.  
It's just Po.  
"Oh. It's you", I say uninterestedly.  
"Mum said you rang," she says, ignoring me. "What's wrong?"  
"It's something big," I reply.  
"How big?"  
"Well... let's just say it's even bigger than Hunky's vegetable obsession."  
"Wow."

* * *

Merged in a second bit! Thank you soooo much for all the reviews! Mucho appreciated!

xxx


	6. Chapter 6

**8.30 p.m.  
Rosie's house  
**Me, Jas and Ellen shiver up to RoRo's front door and I jab the doorbell.  
"God, the music is really loud isn't it?" Ellen says with an apprehensive look on her face. I roll my eyes wearily and continue jabbing.  
After a million years, the door slams open to Sven smiling down at us, wearing a silver plastic trilby and eating a Twix covered in what looks like cheese sauce.  
Erlack. Why did I agree to come to this, again??  
"What _is_ that?" Jas asks, looking equally repulsed.  
"Welcome, welcome!", he shouts over the blaring music, ignoring her completely. "I hope you chickies have your raving hats on!"  
"Oh... were we supposed to bring hats?", Ellen asks anxiously. God, she is sooo dim. I push her and Jas through the door and we enter into the lounge. Bubbles are soaring around the room, and hanging from every wall are multicoloured Christmas lights flashing gaily.  
I think I feel a slight seizure coming on.  
"Girls, over here!", shouts a voice from across the crowd. Rosie is smiling and waving madly at us. She is also wearing a plastic trilby, except hers is gold and says 'Party Girl' on it. Oh mon dieu.  
"Fondue?" She thrusts a huge bowl of bubbling cheese at us, and I watch unbelievably as some slops over the side and lands on the carpet. Is she joking??? Then I turn to Ellen and ask casually,  
"Where's Whelk Boy?"  
Ellen goes pink.  
"Gee, can you not call him that?" Well, what does she expect me to say? 'Where's that handsome lad with the amazing snogging technique?'?  
"So, where is he?" Jassy says, after a tense pause.  
"Well, he said he would meet me here," she replies, chewing her lip. "So I suppose he's around here somewhere..."  
We simultaneously peer around the room.  
"Hmm..." I say cheerfully after a while. "It doesn't look like he's arrived!"  
Thank God.  
"Maybe you should give him a call, to make sure he has got the right address and everything," Rosie adds helpfully. I give her a Death Stare but she completely ignorez-vous me and instead dips a finger contentedly into her disgusting pot of cheese.  
I am going to kill her.  
Ellen leaves the room in a dither, shouting down her mobie, and I turn to Jas.  
"Jassy, this is not good," I say seriously.  
"I know," she nods gravely. I stare at her in surprise. How can she know what a traumosity this is? She hasn't even _snogged_ Whelk Boy!!  
Or _has_ she???  
Erlack.  
"You_ know_?" I say, stuttering somewhat.  
"Yeah, it's awful," she says, looking down.  
Don't be ashamed, Jassyknickers. We've all been there.  
"That melted cheese will be such a pain to get out of the carpet!", she finishes.  
My understanding smile falters slightly. 

**9.00 p.m.  
In the kitchen**  
I'm just filling a glass with Jassy's homemade fruit punch when I feel a presence behind me. I whirl round and almost drop my glass when I come face to face with a pair of familiar lips.  
Oh, god.  
"Oh, hello Whel- I mean Peter." I force a smile and take a sip of punch.  
"Hey, Georgia," he murmurs, stepping forward until he is about an inch away from me. I watch his parted lips in trepidation.  
"Erm, I better go-" I start, shuffling backwards.  
"Wait," he says, touching my shoulder. "Why don't we stay in here for a bit?"  
I stare at him in disbeliefosity, trying not to laugh. Erlack, does he think I fancy him still??  
"Hmm... I'd better not," I say politely, edging towards the door and backing straight into Ellen.  
"Oh, _here_ you are!" she says, smiling at Peter, her cheeks pink with adoreosity.  
Good grief.  
I glance back to old Slobberlips, who's looking incredibly guilty, his eyes shifting around like a mad convict.  
"Right," I exclaim, backing away. "Off I go!"  
And then I run out, backwards, almost tripping over my own legs.

**9.45 p.m.**  
In the main room, dancing with Jools, trying to forget about Peter. I have decided that it is probably best not to tell Ellen about what happened, as once she realises how crap he is, she'll dump him anyway...  
Suddenly, I'm knocked sideways by Rosie as she hurtles onto the dance floor.  
Or rather, the huge rug in the middle of the room.  
"Eeee! Sorry, Gee!" she shouts over the music, pulling Sven along next to her.  
"Come on, baby," he bellows, swinging her around. "Let's get our groove on!"  
After what feels like years of energetic dancing, I sense my mobie vibrate in my pocket and decide to take a cool off in the hall.  
"Hello?" I bark into the receiver, my ears ringing persistently.  
"Hi, it's me," comes a voice.  
"Who's me?" I shout.  
"Will." I freeze. Sex God is ringing me?? Already?  
"Oh, hello."  
"Hey."  
"Sooo..." I say, perching on the stairs. "How are you?"  
Good grief, where has this sheer brazenosity appeared from?  
Did Po spike the punch???  
"I'm cool, you?"  
"I'm very good," I murmur attractively, pouting in the mirror opposite to practice.  
"What are you up to?" he asks, after a pause.  
"Not much. At a party," I say casually, blowing air kisses at my reflection. "It's quite dull, really..."  
"What's that blowing noise?" he asks.  
Ackkk!  
"Must be the line," I say hastily, turning away from the mirror and peering through into the lounge.  
Ellen and Peter are dancing and I watch beadily as he whispers something into her ear. She giggles ditheringly, turning scarlet again.  
Erlack, what is _wrong_ with her???  
"Georgia? Are you there?" Will's voice shouts down the receiver.  
"Yes, sorry. What did you say?"  
"Well, I was just thinking - I was wondering if you wanted to meet up sometime?"  
Oh my God!!  
"Oh yeah, okay," I say, slightly stuttering. "Actually," I hear myself continue, "You can come over to the party, if you want."  
What???  
Okay, where in fresh hell is Po??  
"Ah, I can't," he replies, to my sudden reliefosity. "I'm at a party."  
"Oh well!"  
I hear a shout at his end.  
"Look, I have to go... but I'll text you, okay?"  
"Er, yes. Okay."  
"See you, Happy New Year," he says, and hangs up.  
I walk back into the lounge, whirling around this new information, and bump straight into old Jassyknickers.  
"Jas, I want a word with you," I say sternly. "What in the name of Buddha's gigantimous nappy was in that punch?"  
"Erm..." she says, flicking her fringe about. "Apple juice. And lemonade? Or was it orange with cherryade?"  
God, she is so annoying.  
"You spiked it!" I burst out.  
"What??"  
"What is it? Gin?" I thrust my head right in her face. "Sweet sherry??"  
"Georgia, what are you talking about?"  
Suddenly, Hunky appears from nowhere. Oh, fab.  
"Come and dance," he says, grabbing her round the waist and kissing her neck. She goes as red as a balloon and happily trots off with him. Pathetico.  
"I haven't finished with you!!" I call out, but she doesn't hear, and I'm all alone again.

**11.55 p.m.  
In the loo**  
Reapplying foundation to black eye.  
"You really do look like a Bummer Twin with that eye," Jas says, sitting on the edge of the bath liberally applying her lip-gloss.  
"And your lips look like Mark Big Gob's, but do I say anything?" I reply sweetly, sweeping on more powder as Jassy rushes to the mirror, blotting her lips furiously. Hahaha.  
"Hey, Po, guess what."  
"Don't call me that."  
"Okay, but guess what?"  
"What?"  
"Will phoned me."  
"Really?"  
"Yeah. He asked me out."  
"Wow. What did you say?"  
"What do _you_ think?" God, she is so dense.  
"Um... 'no'?"  
"What? Why would I say 'no'?"  
"Well, you're still obsessed with Dave aren't you?"  
"Dave? You mean Dave The Laugh?" I shriek. "No, no! He's my laugh. And 'obsessed'? Are you serious???"  
What is she talking about??  
"Whatever, Gee. So, you said 'yes'?"  
"Yes!!!"  
"Oh."  
"What do you mean, 'Oh'??"  
"Well, I don't know," she starts, smacking her lips together and staring at her reflection. God, she is so vain. "It's just, I don't think it's very wise. You have Robbie The Sex God," she starts counting on her fingers. "Dave The Laugh... Masimo The Italian... and now Will The Swimmer?" She pouts in the mirror and smothers on some more lip-gloss. For god's sake. I can't listen to any more of this.  
"Oh, look at the time, it's nearly midnight!" I exclaim. "We'd better go downstairs."  
We gallop down the stairs and into the pitch-black, silent living room.  
"Why is it so dark in here???" I shout, holding onto Jassy for dear life and shuffling over to the sofa.  
"Shh! We're counting down!" comes a voice which sounds like Rosie's.  
I really don't have the energy to ask anymore, so I just drop onto the sofa with sheer exhaustion.  
"OWWWW!" I hear below me as the sofa starts moving and shaking. I jump up with complete shockosity.  
"Sven...?"  
"Yes, Georgia?" comes the sofa.  
Good grief.  
"Okay, everyone!!!" Rosie screams. "10... 9... 8..." Everyone begins chanting along with her.  
"What in the name of Wet Lindsay's thong is going on?" I hiss to Jas through the blackness.  
"4... 3... 2... 1!!"  
And just like a completely horrendous nightmare, a pair of wet lips plants itself on my open mouth.  
"Erlack, erlack!! Get off!!!" I scream, batting aimlessly at the darkness. "Help! Jas, Whelk Boy's trying to snog me again!!!"  
Just as I'm grabbing RoRo's beloved fondue pot to smash over his head, Rosie shouts,  
"Happy New Year, everyone!!!" and suddenly the room is filled with light once more. And that's when I realise I am not inches away from Peter's horrifying lips, but two greasy cocktail sausages held by an hysterical Dave The Laugh.  
"OH MY GOD!!!" he chortles, tears swelling in his eyes. "You thought it was Whelk Boy!!"  
He bursts into side-splitting laughter.  
I glower at him, but he completely ignores me. God, he is so utterly ridiculous.  
I wish I _had_ swiped him with that fondue pot.  
"What are _you_ doing here?" I snap indignantly.  
"Attending a New Years Party?" he offers, putting down the sausages. "Happy New Year, before I forget, Gee," he smiles at me. I stare at him.  
"I won't forgive you for this, by the way," I bark.  
"Oh, come on, it was rather hilarious. Admit it."  
"It really wasn't."  
"Okay, okay. Sorry," he sighs, moving towards me, just as Jas bustles past.  
"Fireworks, outside!!" she orders, her fringe flapping bossily.  
We get herded like frenetic sheep out into the garden, and when Dave goes over to chat with Tom, I turn to Jas.  
"Jassy, do you reckon Peter knows I call him Whelk Boy?"  
"I don't know, Gee."  
Then she gives me a meaningful look and says, "What is going on with you and Dave?"  
"Nothing!" I snap, then add, "Jas, you say I'm obsessed with him, but _you _are the one who is constantly bringing him up!"  
She flusters about in her knickers and eventually stalks off.  
Hahaha, poor old Fringey.

**1.30 a.m.**  
The rest of the party is ace. Me and Jassy collapse as soon as we get back to my house, and I think she has even forgiven me for saying she fancies Dave!!  
I'm half asleep when my mobile goes off again, but I pick it up anyway and squint at the screen.  
Oh my God, it's a text from Peter!!  
What does _he_ want?

_G, there is sum rumour goin arnd that ure nick-name  
for me is 'whelk boy'. i just want 2 kno,  
wot is a whelk? haha k, tb, peter xxx_

Oh my God.  
Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!  
Zzzzz... 

**Saturday January 1st  
11 a.m.**  
Wake up to the sound of Jas rustling about on the floor.  
"Jas, what are you doing??" I croak, peering down at her through squinty eyes.  
"Wrapping Tom's anniversary gift," she replies, carefully covering an envelope-shaped present with green tissue paper. Erlack. Can I really be bothered to ask what it is?  
"What is it?" I say uninterestedly.  
Po fastens the last corner with sticky-tape and says happily,  
"It's a three day camping pass in the New Forest, for two people."  
"Aww. Who do you think he'll take?"  
She gives me a look.  
"Very funny. If you want me to come swim-cozzie shopping with you, I suggest you shut up with your remarks." She flicks her fringe around and attaches a leaf-shaped tag to Tom's present.  
"I'm sorry, Jassy. I really do love you." I bump down onto the floor next to her and give her a huge hug.  
"Okay, okay," she says after a while, flapping me away.  
"You do love me, Jas." I gaze up at her. "Don't you?"  
"Yes. I love you," she says stiltedly.  
"Say it like you mean it," I say, batting my eyelashes. "Go on, Jassyknickers!"  
"I... love you."  
"To my face!" I order.  
Jas looks at me in the eye angrily.  
"I love you."  
Hahahahaha.

* * *

Chapter 6 is up, enjoy!!

xxx


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

* * *

**2 p.m.**  
Will texts me at lunchtime. We are going to meet tomorrow morning at Red Deer Park! Jas is agog with glee when I tell her.  
"I looovee Red Deer Park! Tom has never offered to take me. You are so lucky, Gee."  
I pull back the changing room curtain and peer at her.  
"What is so great about a park?"  
Huffyknickers ignorez-vous me and carries on raving about it through the curtain.  
"Okay, I think I've found one!" I say, a few minutes later. Jassy hops into the changing room beside me.  
We both stare at my cossie.  
"Great, eh?" I say, twirling around.  
"It isn't very sensible, Gee," she replies after a pause.  
"What??" I say shrilly. "Of course it is!!"  
Jas tuts annoyingly and rolls her eyes. How is it not sensible? She is so annoying.  
I bump her out of the changing room, change back into my normal clothes, and head to the cashier with the Utterly Fab Cossie gripped adamantly in my hands. Humph. 

**7 p.m.  
In the kitchen  
**I'm going out with Wi-ill! Lalalala!  
"Hello, Mutti!" I sing, dancing over to her. "What a wonderful evening it is! Would you like some help?"  
She looks at me beadily and stirs her suspiciously grey-looking stew.  
"Well... okay. You can lay the table."  
I skip over to the drawer and scoop out the cutlery.  
"Where's Libbs?" I ask, setting down the knives and forks.  
"At Sebbie's birthday party. Actually, I was going to ask you if you would pick her up for me," Mutti says, clanging about with a colander.  
Oh mon dieu. Then I remember my air of happy and helpful-osity and smile sweetly.  
"Of course I will, Mutti," I reply, peering at the stew. "That looks delicious!"  
I can always feed it to Angus under the table.

**7.45 p.m.  
Walking home with Libbs  
**"Did you have a good time, Libbs?" I ask as we skip down the road.  
"Yup!" Libby replies, scoffing a piece of gooey green b-day cake. Interestingly it looked more appetising than Mutti's stew.  
Mutti is looming in the hall as I let us into the house.  
"Thank you Georgia," she says, as Libbs hurtles off into the living room.  
"That's okay!" I say, and gallop up the stairs.  
"Wait a minute," Mutti shouts up.  
Oh God. What have I done now???  
"Uncle Eddie wants Dad to pop over tomorrow. Something to do with a new Reliance..." Mutti tuts to herself. "But we thought it would be nice if we all went over there. Your auntie wants to show me the garden, and Libbs could do with a change of scenery."  
"So what time are we leaving?" I say, slowly.  
"If we leave at ten, we can make it down to the coast by noon," she replies, as Libby scoots up with a green, icing-y face, beaming madly.  
"Oh, Liberty!" Mutti sighs, frowning down at her.  
"Can't I stay here??" I say, desperately.  
"I don't think so." She strides into the kitchen with Libby in tow.  
"But I helped out all day!" I say, scuttling up to her. This is so unfair!!!  
"What else are you planning to do tomorrow, Georgia?" Mutti asks, looking at me.  
"Important things."  
"Like..."  
"Seeing a friend." For God's sake. She is so nosy!!  
"Which friend is this?" Mutti asks, briskly cleaning Libbs' face with a jay-cloth.  
"Um... Will."  
"Will? I haven't heard of him before. What about Dave?"  
What is wrong with everyone?? Dave is just my laugh. My LAUGH.  
I ignore her and say, "Please let me stay!!"  
"Well," she says at last, "I don't normally say yes, but you did help me out today. So you can stay, if you must."  
"Thank you, Mutti!!" I say, giving her a big hug and skipping happily upstairs.  
Yessss!!!

**10.30 p.m.  
Looking through bedroom window**  
Hey, you sexy moon. You're looking mighty fine tonight.  
Seeing as Rosie is the most experienced in the lurrrve department, I decide to phone her for some last minute tips.  
"Love is like an eel."  
"Erlack!"  
"It can be very long, but on the other hand, can easily slip away and be lost forever. Some love is electric; but although exciting, is lethal."  
"Wow."

**Sunday January 2nd  
10.00 a.m.  
In bedroom**  
Hmmm.  
What does one wear to the park, on a snowy winter's morning, to impress a gorgeous garcon, in a classy and effortless way, and that hides my huge red conk???  
I take a blue fuzzy jumper from the floor, peer at it objectively, and fling it onto the bed. Right, now I need a skirt. Or would a skirt be too tarty?? I gaze into the dark abyss that is my wardrobe and root around for a few minutes. I finally unearth a denim mini and pull it on, along with the jumper, and stare at my reflection, pleased with myself.  
Suddenly there's a bang on my door, which I've come to recognise as Vati's greeting call. For god's sake, doesn't he know I'm busy?? I open the door wearily and give a wintery smile.  
"What is it now?"  
"Don't be so rude. I am just letting you know we're off, and that I hope you have a good day."  
"Oh. Thanks. You too."  
I feel guilty as I shut the door.

**10.30 a.m.  
Walking down the street.  
**Brr. It's nippy noodles. I don't think it helps that I have no coat and bare legs. Oh well, beauty is pain, and all that jazz. I hop vigorously along in the snow for a while, to get warm, but have to stop when my skirt begins to ride up. Erlack. Maybe my clothing decisions were slightly off. I finally make it to the bus stop, legs as numb as the numbest thing in the universe, or even number, and wait for Will, shivering and cursing, my conk conflagrant with rednosity.  
A minute or so later, Will turns up looking yummy and scrumboes in a jumper, jeans and a woolly hat and scarf. I maybe would have run up and hugged him senseless, if my legs hadn't turned to immobile ice-pops.  
"Hey, Georgia. You look amazing," he says in his dreamy way.  
"Thanks. You look good too."  
"Have you been to this park before?," he asks.  
"Nope"  
"Oh. You'll love it. We can even swim in the lake!", he smiles at me. Urgh, why did I ever mention lakes??  
"Yes! Maybe!" I squeak. Suddenly the bus comes veering round the corner and screeches to a halt next to us. Will pays and I hastily climb aboard after him, smiling cheerily at the bus driver as I pass.  
"Move up the bus please," he says grimly, ignoring my air of harmonosity and suddenly slamming down the pedal. I lurch dangerously in the isle and fall head over nunga into a homeless mans lap. Holy Buddha's pyjamas!! I leap up like a mad salmon and plonk down next to Will, who's looking at me with sheer awe-osity.

**10.45 a.m.  
In the Red Deer Park lavvy  
**Having a nervy b. It has just started snowing. My limbs have frozen. Everything sticking out has frozen, and yes, that includes nose and nip-nips. The vicious, ice-cold wind is stinging my face and legs. I just looked in the mirror and I am bright red all over, except for my nose, which is purple, and I am wearing Wills scarf and hat. I cannot believe this. I sigh heavily, go back into Arctic Hell and amble up to Will. He looks so gorgey, standing there like a heroic Greek God in winterwear.  
"You still look cold. Are you okay?" He peers at me, his dark eyelashes covered in snow. Groghgrh.  
"Yes, I'm okay. Maybe I could find something to wear in the gift shop?" I reply, teeth chattering.  
"Sure."  
He hesitates slightly, then steps towards me and puts his arm around me. Oh my god!!! I smile up at him, remembering to suck my nose in, and fit myself snugly under his arm.  
Three minutes later I'm in the gift shop, trying on the most tragic of fleeces, but actually in high spirits.  
"What about this one? With the deer playing tennis?" I ask, turning to Will.  
"Yeah, that one's okay. But what about the deer water-polo? I thought that one was better."  
"Yeah...maybe," I say, looking waveringly at the fleece he is holding. "Maybe I'll just get both."  
"Good idea. I'll pay," he smiles at me, and we trot happily up to the cash desk.  
What in the name of Slims gigantimous pantaloons have I turned into????  
We step back into the blizzard, me now as snug as a bug in my fleecey cocoon. Will grabs my hand and I smile contentedly up at him.  
"Where now?" I ask.  
"We could have a look at the deer, if you want?"  
We stroll along the gravel path, me smiling madly to myself and inwardly singing Christmas lovesongs.  
This Christmas, I gave you my heart, but the very next day...-  
"So, what school do you go to, again?"  
"Stalag 14," I say absently. "You?"  
"Hardley."  
Hardley?? Blimey O'Reilly's trousers, Jassyknickers told me about that place. It costs an arm and a leg to get in, and we used to play hockey against them but our team was a sheer tragicosity in comparison.  
"Oh yes, you're good at lax and hockey..."  
"Stalag's not bad either."  
"You must be joking." I peer at him.  
"You play for the hockey team, don't you?"  
"How did you know?"  
"Saw you at the home match before summer term ended. When you tripped over your stick and fell into the goal?" He grinned at me.  
Oh dear Gott in Himmel.

**Three minutes later**  
Sitting on a bench outside the deer enclosure, chewing on some chuddie. Will has gone to get us some carrots from the feeding area. The snow is falling, the deer are grazing, the cluds are skimming the blue sky... Am I dreaming?? Dave the Laugh has never taken me out properly before, not like this. Then again, his snogging most definitely makes up for it...  
Why am I thinking about Dave?? Shut up brain!!! Focus.  
Just as I realise I'm already up to number 2 on the Snogging Scale, Gorgey Greek God walks over and hands me a carrot.  
"Thanks, I'm as rav as a horse!!" I say, and begin to munch on it.  
"Erm, Georgia... It was for the deer," Will says with slight disbeliefosity.  
Good grief.  
"Are you here to see the red deer?," barks a gigantomous lady clad in green overalls. She has an unhealthy resemblance to Slim, I realise. Erlack.  
"If bears poo in the woods!", I say, laughing like a mad snake wearing a fleece.  
Slim's Sister looks quite ballisticisimus now.  
"Go that way," she says, pointing to a large iron gate leading into the deer enclosure. Inside? We're going inside??  
"In?" I say, on the verge of a minor tiz.  
"Yes. In," she says crisply, and waddles off.  
"Come on then, Gee," Will says, taking my hand.  
"Hmm..." I begin, my feet still planted firmly in place, "I'm not sure about this. Can't we go swimming in the lake, instead?" I ask with despairosity.  
"They're harmless, I promise."  
"Well... Okay," I reluctantly follow him inside, eyes on stalks.  
"Hello!" a man calls over, also in green overalls, feeding a tiny fawn. "Welcome to the park. Feel free to pet the deer but try to make your movements slow and steady."  
We stand still in the enclosure, me doing slow and steady limbering up exercises, ready to make a run for it. Will squeezes my hand and we walk over to the fawn. I stare at it, wobbling on it's little legs, blinking with it's wide black eyes. Aww. I suppose it is quite sweet. And it almost looks like Gordy!

**An hour later**  
After only a short time, I already feel at home with nature. I knew I was destined for the outdoors. I knew it. And when I was in the bogs a moment ago, I actually took my make up off!!  
"So, do you still want to go swimming?" Will asks, grinning at me, as we sit down on a bench.  
"Hmm... I don't think so," I say, gazing dubiously and the brown, slimy lake in front of us. "Maybe another time."  
"You look much better without make up," he says, looking into my eyes, "You really don't need it, anyway"  
I suck my nose in and smile at him. We stare at each other through the swirling snow for a few seconds, until Will blinks and says,  
"I should probably get going, I have to be at rowing practice by 1 o clock."  
Ten minutes later we are hopping off the bus. As we approach my house, Will takes both my hands. I can see Gordy attacking a bush in Mr Next Doors front garden. Mr Next Door is peering through the window at him, looking ballisticisimus. Hadiha.  
"Will you be at the pool next Monday?" Will asks me. I gaze back into his gorgey dark eyes.  
"Nrghryes," I start. "I mean... yes."  
"Cool. Well, I'll see you then, then." He squeezes my hands and lets them go.  
"What about your scarf and hat?" I exclaim suddenly.  
"Oh yeah." He steps towards me and slowly unwinds the scarf from my neck, then grins at me in his gorgey way. "Thanks."  
"Nrgh..o-ok. B-bye," I stutter, like a startled vole, handing over the woolly hat.  
"See you."  
I watch as he walks away and turns the corner.  
What in the name of Herr Kaymer's Lederhosen is wrong with me??

**3.00 p.m.**  
Phoned Jas.  
"Jassyknickers, I am in a state of complete ponderosity."  
"Why?"  
"I can usually form coherent sentences, alas with Will I am lost for words. I do not even feel like myself when around him."  
I tell her about the fleeces fandango.  
"Hmm. Well maybe you just aren't meant to be together," she says at last.  
"Do you really think so?"  
"Well, lets take me and Tom-"  
"Do we have to?"  
Jas ignorez-vous me and carries on.  
"We have common interests, the same sense of humour-"  
"Don't you mean no sense of humour?"  
"-we can be ourselves and as a result work well as a couple. Do you two have common interests?"  
"Erm... we both like deer."  
"You hate deer. You told me you had a phobia of them!"  
"Well I like them now."  
"Hmm," she says with an air of doubtosity. She is so annoying. "So what else do you have in common?"  
"Nothing."  
"Well, I think you have your answer, Gee."  
"But he is so gorgey-"  
"Georgia, a relationship can't work on looks alone!" Fringey says huffily.  
"Whatever Jas, Whatever. I've got to go now, to cry in my bed of pain."  
And I hang up.

**Five minutes later  
**Sitting in bed of pain, legs covered with Immac and eating a Curly Wurly. The pieces fall into my hair, but do I care? The answer is nay. I chug down my milky pops drink. Some slops onto my Teletubby jammies and scalds my leg. Merde!! Sprinting to the bathroom, I trip over Angus who is sprawled out on the landing having a kip.

**One minute later**  
I am still laying in the landing, covered in milky pops and Curly Wurly, too depressed to move. I'm sure someone will find me eventually.

* * *

Next Chapter! Please R&R!! Do you like it so far? What do you want to happen? Any comments would be fab!! 

xx


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

* * *

**3.15 p.m.**  
The doorbell rings and I hear Vati open the door. There is a soft muffled voice and Vati shouts up to me,  
"Georgia! Your friend Ellen is at the door!"  
Good grief. She never calls round! I heave myself up from the carpet and hobble downstairs.  
I herd her into my room, and as soon as we are out of earshot, Ellen throws herself onto the duvet and exclaims,  
"You will - I mean, oh my god... - I can't b-b-believe this has happened!"  
"What are you on about, my petit nincompoop??"  
"It's just that...", she starts, reaching towards my bedside table and picking up my fave fuchsia lippy. "I cant believe he d-d-did this to me."  
Oh, for god's sake.  
"Ellen... Who are you talking about??"  
"Peter!", she squeaks, undoing my lippy lid and inspecting it. "We went to the cinema t-t-this morning and everything was fine u-until-"  
"-Oh god, I'm sorry that you had to find out this way, Ellen!" I cry suddenly, clamping my arms around her. "We can be scarred for life, together!!!"  
Ellen stares at me, agog.  
"What are you talking about?"  
"Whelk Boy snogging you!! It's okay, I was petrified too. Actually, I fell over-"  
"-It isn't about snogging, Gee!"  
"Oh. Right. Well what in the name of Slims pantyhose is it, then?"  
I'm getting vair vair bored of this story.  
"Well, what h-h-happened is... shall I start from the beginning?"  
"NO!!!"  
"O-okay... well he was walking me back to my house, w-w-when all of a sudden he, you know, turned to me."  
"Yeessss..." I say, stifling a yawn.  
"And he told me th-that he was really sorry but he just couldn't go out with me anymore," she sniffs, prodding the end of my lippy. It suddenly breaks off into her hand.  
"Oh, sorry," she says, passing the pink, melting mess back to me. Is she joking???  
"So anyway," she continues, chewing ditheringly on a nail. "He could see I was upset b-b-but he didn't even ask what was wrong. H-h-he just... walked o-off."  
"Is that it?" I reply, after a few seconds.  
"I suppose," she mumbles.  
"Well, it's probably for the best," I say, in my best Agony Aunt voice, getting to my feet and gearing up to shuffle her out.  
"But I still really like him," Ellen sniffs ditheringly. Oh Lordy, she really needs to get a grip. I pull her to her feet and give her a look full of seriosity.  
"Ellen!!! Are you a strong woman??", I boom, in my best chatshow-host voice.  
"Um-"  
"Are you in control of your own life??"  
"I'm not sure, I mean-"  
"As my good pal Oprah says: "Use what you have to run towards your best". Are you running, Ellen??"  
She looks at me and blinks.  
"Well, I suppose so-"  
"GOOD!" I push her out of the room. "Now get your bum-oley out there, into the big wide world, and run for your life, sister!!!" I drive her down the stairs. "Be your own saviour!!", I sing, opening the front door, hustling her outside and waving cheerily, as she looks at me with sheer awe-osity. "Bye now! See you tomorrow at Stalag 14, and remember, CHIN UP!!" I slam the door, and slide down the wall, exhausted.

**One minute later**  
Tripped over the cat again. Merde.

**8.00 p.m.**  
Ho hum pigs bum. Maybe I'll try on my Fab New cossie again.

**Five minutes later**  
What in the name of Sven's gigantimous bellbottoms has happened to my wardrobe??! I fling open the door to be faced with Gordy, attacking one of my tops, half my clothes arranged around him in complete tatters. Oh my GOD!!!  
I pick him, kicking and hissing, out of the wardrobe and drag him downstairs.  
"What is wrong with Gordy?!!", I shout, storming into the kitchen.  
"What is all this fuss, Georgia?", says Mutti, switching the kettle on.  
"This fuss," I begin, chasing Gordy out the back door, "is about my clothes, which are now in complete ruins, thanks to that stupid kittycat!!"  
Mutti sighs heavily.  
"Look, you could borrow some of mine for the time being-"  
"You must be joking!!" I shout, and storm out of the room.

**10.30 p.m**.  
Interestingly, one of the few things saved was my uniform. I cannot believe my life.  
Zzzzz...

**Monday January 3rd  
7.30 a.m.  
**Back to Hell today.  
Up with larks, curling hair for extra bouncability, accidentally singeing my eyebrow.

**8.30 a.m.**  
Walking to Stalag 14 with Jas. I hop along in the snow, trying to keep warm.  
"Oh Jassyknickers, will this Hell never end? If we get made to play fives court today, I'll-"  
"-Georgia... What in the name of pantyhose is up with your eyebrow?"  
"Oh, I singed it. Is it really obvious?"  
"Yes."  
Merde. I pull my beret down over my forehead.  
"Is it okay now?"  
"Now you just look like a giant nincompoop."

**One minute later**  
Just hopped into a lamppost. Good grief!

**8.45 a.m.**  
Hawkeye is looming at the gate when we arrive.  
"Good Morning, Miss Heaton! How was your holiday??" I smile at her as we pass.  
"Fix you beret," she says, giving me a beady look.  
"Okay," I reply, pulling it further over my eyes and racing inside.  
"Jassy, you know Will?" I say, as we amble along to assembly.  
"Yeesss."  
"Do you really think I should end it with him?"  
"I don't know, Gee."  
"Does that mean 'yes'?" We turn into the assembly hall and I scour the room for the Ace Gang.  
"No, it means 'I don't know'"  
I resist the urge to hit her.  
"You're a useless pal, Jas," I say, and sit down as far away from her as possible.  
"Quiet, please!", Slims voice booms across the hall. Rosie stretches her leg out and begins painting her toenails.

**Midday**  
Something vair vair marvy and tres fab has happpened! Next month the whole year is going skiing!! In Froggyagogo!!!  
I don't even care that we have P.E. this afternoon. Nothing can take me from my cloud of exciteosity.

**2.30 p.m.  
In P.E.**  
Miss Stamp has sprung a surprise cross country session on us. Merde.

**One minute later  
**Jogging along next to Rosie. Pant Pant Pant.  
"Jas told me about you and Will," Rosie puffs, hopping over a tree stump. "So are you going to end it?"  
Radio Jas has been up to her old tricks I see. For god's sake.

**Five minutes later  
**Still jogging along with RoRo, in the biting gale. Merde. The rest of the Ace Gang are lagging behind chatting, but I feel the need to be in tip top physical condition for the ski trip.  
"RoRo, my legs feel like they are going to drop off. Do yours?"  
"Yup," she says, teeth chattering, as a gust of wind nearly knocks us over.  
"I know!", she says suddenly, coming up to me, ducking under my gigantimous P.E. sweat-top and popping her head up next to mine.  
"What in the name of Buddha's gigantimous nappy are you doing???" I say with complete dignitosity.  
Ignorez-vousing me, she turns round, which simultaneously drags me around with her, and calls over the Ace Gang. Soon enough we are all huddled under my sweat-top, ambling along to the finish point.  
"What a bunch of lezzos!" Jackie Bummer shouts, as she jogs past, smoking a fag. God, she is sooo common.

**3.30 p.m.  
In my room**  
At last, it is all over. My parents have gone with Libbs to the park, so I am all aloney once more.

**An hour later  
**Eating a vat of oven chips. I am once again on the rack of love, and also the cake shop of doom. Should I really end it with Greek Goddy Will??  
I look out of the window and up at the stars.  
"Dear baby Jesus, are we meant to be??"

**One minute later  
**For luck, I have lit my Buddha candle ready for some simple meditation.  
Ohhhhmmm.  
Two minutes later  
Merde. Am stuck in the lotus position again.

**Friday January 7th  
2.00 p.m**.  
In the middle of Blodge my phone beeps.  
It's a text from Will!!  
_hey gee,  
haven't talked 2 u 4 ages. rlly enjoyed sunday.  
r u free 2nite??  
will x  
_Fabby fab fab!! I write a note to the Gang.  
_The sex god has landed!!! Gxx_  
They all give me a thumbs up, except for Jas, who gives me a look full of seriousity (ie: annoying).

**4.00 p.m**.  
Triple marvy with knobs on!! I am going to Late and Live tonight with Will!!  
What in fresh hell am I going to wear, seeing as half my stuff is in tatters??

**8.00 p.m.**  
Have opted for Muttis black dress and my new black knee high boots. I was reading Mum's book How To Make Any Twit Fall In Love With You and it says that there are three really easy steps to confidence: The Smile, The Walk, and The Talk. I glance in the bathroom mirror, and give a cool smile, tongue behind teeth, nostrils fully under control.  
"Hello, darling. Yarss, I just came from a Vogue shoot. It was... how you say... tres fabby with knobs on." I try a pout, surprised at my oozing sophisicosity.  
Ok, The Walk. I go into Mutti's room and begin parading up and down in front of the full length mirror, practising the Smile and Talk at the same time, until I finally collapse onto the bed with exhaustion. "Really easy"? Are they joking??

**Fifteen minutes later**  
As I walk down the street, I see Mark Big Gob standing on the corner smoking a fag. Oh, great. I put my head down, but vair vair unfortunately, he spots me.  
"Georgia, nice rack!!"  
Oh, Merde.  
He saunters up to me as if he thinks he's Liam Gallagher, staring at my nungas the whole time. Pathetico.  
"What's a girl doing walking alone at night?", he says, breathing fag smoke into my face.  
"I've got to go, Mark," I splutter, and almost sprint round the corner away from him.  
Erlack. I really don't understand why he bothers.  
Can he not see what a sheer nuisance he is??

**Ten minutes later**  
Standing outside the club. Where is he??

**8.30 p.m.**  
Ho hum pigs bum.  
Hmmm. Maybe he thought we were meeting inside.  
"Georgia!" I hear a male voice behind me as I get in the queue, and look round to come eye to eye with none other than Dave the Laugh, grinning at me like a grinning thing and giving me a naughty look. Oh, god.  
"Hey Kittykat, I thought it was you! Are you with the Ace Gang?"  
"No, I-" I begin, but stop when my phone starts ringing, and I pick it up, while Dave stands there goggling me. I see it's an answer phone message.  
"Hi, Gee. I'm really sorry but something has come up, something to do with rowing, and I can't get over to the club tonight. I tried ringing earlier but you didn't pick up. I'll try you later. Sorry." I re-listen, speechless, then turn back to Dave.  
"What is it??", he asks.  
"Nothing," I hear myself say. "I think I am just going to go home."  
"No, stay!" He grabs my hand. Good grief, this is starting to feel like a scene of a crap soap.  
"Something very bad and poo has happened. I have to go-"  
"Okay, I'll come with you."

**8.44 p.m.**  
Sitting on a bench in the park with Dave, feeling slightly numb.  
"So what happened??"  
I am so full of exhaustosity that I spill the whole story.  
"He goes to Hardley?? Erlack. Did you know they actually ride horses?? For fun??"  
"It's polo, actually," I retort, slightly snappily.  
We sit in silence for a few minutes, looking up at the stars, with no sound other than the wild swaying of the trees in the wind.  
It sort of makes me want to go to the piddly diddly department, actually.  
Shut up, brain!!!!  
As I begin singing _'Two Little Boys'_ in my head, I feel Dave take my hand and he looks into my eyes.  
"Don't be sad, KittyKat. He was no good for you anyway."  
"Yes he was. We both had a really keen interest in deer," I say sadly. Dave gives me a look that one would give only to the Mentally Unstable.

* * *

Chapter 8 is up, please R&R :) 

xx


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

* * *

**Saturday January 8th**  
Giddy God. Somehow me and Dave managed to get to number 6 on the Snogging Scale last night, thanks to my sheer uncontrolled red-bottomosity. What does this mean?? And why does it keep happening??

**9.00 a.m.**  
In the bath, having a nice soak in Mutti's expensive bath salts.  
"Georgia, what on earth are you doing in there that is taking so bloody long?" Dad shouts through the door. God, he is so rude. I ignorez-vous him instead, and sink down into the tub.  
Why hasn't Jassy phoned yet, to ask how it went last night?  
She is such a crap pal.  
I hear a scratchy noise and look over. There is a kittycat paw coming under the door and batting about aimlessly. If Gordy thinks he is coming in he has got another thing coming!!!

**One minute later  
**Gordy actually squeezed himself like a scary ninja cat UNDER the door, leapt up onto the toilet seat and is now watching me beadily.  
I feel sort of weird having a kitcat stare at me in the nuddy-pants. I try to splash water on him but all he does is give one of his silent mews and flick his tail.  
"Gordy, OUT!"  
I hear Dad banging on the door again.  
"Georgia, if you don't come out in the next ten seconds I'm going to bloody well barge the door down!"  
He is so vair vair unreasonable!!!  
I huff out of the bath, grab a towel and stomp into my room.

**Thirty minutes later  
**Still thinking about the Dave dilemma. I thought my days of red-bottomosity were well and truly over. I thought I was finally a one-man woman, like Jassy, but I now realise my Horn is still blowing free.  
Dave really is a good snogger. And if I'm completely honest, gives me quite a bad case of jelloid knickers.  
Shut up, shut up!!

**One minute later**  
One the phone to Jas.  
"Jassyknickers, I am soo bordey and also on the rack of love. Can I come over?"  
"No."  
"Quoi? Why not?"  
"Tom is coming round in a bit to plan for our midnight badger watch."  
Midnight badger watch? What in fresh hell?  
"I'm still coming over."  
"No you're not."  
"Yes I am."  
"I won't let you in."

**10 a.m.  
In Jas's room**  
Yum yum. On Jassie's bed, eating eggy soldiers that her mutti brought up. She is sooo nice. Why does my family have to be so very very abnormal and mad?  
Jas is on the floor, organising a huge folder filled with what looks like pictures of badger droppings. Disgusting.  
"Erlack Jas, why do you have so many piccys of badger poo?"  
Huffyknickers just ignorez-vous me and huffs about under her fringe. She is well and truly completely bonkers.

**Five minutes later**  
Badger Girl finally takes a break from her poo and I tell her all about how Will stood me up, while she nods and shrugs and shrods (nodding and shrugging at the same time, for those of you who are slightly lacking in the brains department). I decide to leave out the bit about Dave, as I am keen to avoid a famous tutting and looking extravaganza from Jas.  
There is a bit of a silence when I finish, but she finally comes out with her golden words of wisdom.  
"Wow. I would really hate to be you."  
Charming.  
I hit her over the head with a pillow for a few minutes, until she says "Stop it, stop it, you're creasing my Honey Badger factfile!!"  
"Jas, I know you are mad, but this is verging on the truly pathetico."  
She doesn't reply but just sits there huffing really loudly and fidgeting about with her folder.

**1 p.m.**  
Jas finally kicks me out and I am left to roam the streets once more.

**Fifteen minutes later  
In the tree outside my house  
**Ho hum pigs bum. There's nothing to do in this world of doom. The Family Mad have gone in the Clown Car to see granddad and his wool-obsessed girlfriend, so I am left aloney, all aloney.  
I wonder what Dave's up to.  
Shut up, shut up!!

**5.30 p.m.  
**Rosie Phoned.  
"Hi Ro-"  
"Emergency meeting at my house! Right now!!! And bring snackaroonies, or you're not coming in!!!"  
And she slams the phone down.  
Blimey. She is quite literally as mad as a snake.

**Thirty minutes later  
In Rosie's room**  
We have gathered all the snacks together and are awaiting Rosie to come back from the piddly-diddly department, so that we can actually find out what in the name of Jas's poo obsession is going on.  
"What do you, er, you know, think it could be about?", Ellen says, munching on a cheesy wotsit.  
"I hope she gets back soon," says Jas, guzzling down a packet of Midget Gems. "I need to be in the woods by eight."  
"Alright my little pals!!" RoRo bounds into the room and plonks down on the bed, sending the bowl of choccy raisins flying everywhere, including into Jassie's eye. Hahaha.  
"Are you ready for the announcement of the year??"  
We all give the Klingon salute and cheer.  
"Brace yourselves and hold on to your hats, for I have reached... number 9 on the Snogging Scale!!!"  
Bloody hell and also WOWZERS!! We all stare at her, with sheer amazedosity.  
"You mean, er, you've done, you know, activity below the, er, waist, or something?", Ellen says, heading for a complete ditherspaz. I shove a Midget Gem in her gob to calm her down, and turn back to Rosie.  
"So was it... you know... weird?" I ask. Good grief, I'm having a slight f.t. myself. This is not good.  
"Were you at home? Were your parents there?" Jas adds.  
"Erlack, Jas!! Why in the name of Lindsays crap extensions would Rosie's elders be watching??"  
"I mean were they at home, you idiot," she says, and throws a choccy raisin at me. Unbelievable.

**7 p.m.**  
Home again home again jiggity jog.  
Rosie gave us very little detail about her adventure to Number 9: Downthere Street (har har), but did draw a very shocking visual on a piece of paper, which afterwards, I immediately flushed down the loo.  
We also discussed the introduction of a Full Monty scale, which brought about an even bigger dither extravaganza from Jas and Ellen.

**An hour later**  
Same bat time, same bat place. Yawny yawn.  
I wonder what Dave is up to??  
I wonder if he's over at Late and Live. I think the Stiff Dylans are doing a gig there tonight.  
Phoned Rosie.  
"RoRo, what are you doing tonight?"  
"Probably going with Sven to Late and Live, and then back to his place-" I can hear him in the background singing Agadoo, and then he suddenly grabs the phone and shouts madly into the receiver,  
"Hallo Georgia, you are coming to push around pineapples with RoRo und I tonight, ja??"  
Good Grief.

**8.30 p.m.  
**Tarting up for Late and Live  
Jassyknickers must be in the woods by now, crawling around in sets and feeling up badger bum-oleys. Erlack-a-pongoes.  
How dare she call me an 'idiot'? At least I don't eat badger droppings.

**Half and hour later  
Standing at the clock tower  
**I have gone for my black miniskirt, white shirt and black ankle boots combo, for a look of sheer sophisticosity and non-red-bottomosity. The Horn has been locked up tightly. I even skipped on the boy entrancers, as I am no longer in le mood for entrancing boys. Especially not Dave the Laugh.

**One second later  
**Well, maybe Dave the Laugh.  
Shut up, shut up!!!

**One minute later  
**Sven comes hurtling down the street with Rosie up on his shoulders, virtually knocking over an elderly gentleman at the zebra crossing, and finally lurching to a stop in front of me. They are truly mad.  
"Hallo, Georgia!! Are you ready to groove on down??" Sven shouts. He is wearing very tight silver trousers and star-shaped sunglasses. He looks like a giant Elton John, I realise. Blimey.

**9.15 p.m.  
Late and Live  
**Tres fabby with an extra shot of marv!! The Stiff Dylans are playing the next set!!  
I'm perched at the bar sippy sipping on my drink, watching Sven do a truly mad rendition of the Viking bison disco inferno. He is up to the "stab, stab to the left" bit, and has accidentally stabbed Rosie in the eye. Good grief.

**In the tarts wardrobe**  
The Laugh has landed!! Down bottom, down.  
He walked in with a group of his mates, and they all went to sit in a booth, and then he saw me, and then he winked!!  
My knick-knacks are once again well and truly jelloid. What in the name of arse is wrong with me??  
As I begin redoing my lippygloss, my favourite person in the world, Wet Lindsay, slimes in, followed close behind by her amazingly dim pal Monica.  
"Oh, what a lovely surprise seeing you here," she says, pouting at herself in the mirror and smearing on more lippy.  
She is so incredibly vain.  
Her extensions look more octopussy than ever, I might add.  
Then she turns away from me and begins talking to her weedy sidekick.  
"So Masimo is taking me for a ride on his scooter after the gig." She flicks her eyes towards me for a nanosecond, probably to see if I'm watching her. Which I'm not.  
"He invited me round to his flat again. His place is just so cool, I had to say yes."  
God, her knees are truly crap.  
"And he is such a great musician. He even said he was going to write a song about me!"  
ADM nods in reply, like a crap nodding dog in a cardigan.  
"He really is so fab, Mon. And a great kisser."  
After about ten years, they slime out again.  
She is completely ridiculous, and I am completely positive she is lying about everything.  
Because to be honest, who in their right mind would write a song about a knobbley-kneed, thong-wearing octopus?  
Good point. Well made.

**Back in the club  
**The Stiff Dylans are on!! A fast number comes on and we skip onto the dance floor, dancing about like loons. We add another step to the Viking bison disco inferno. So now, after the sniff, there is 'kicking at the ground'.  
"You have to do it as if you have bison hooves and are clomping around in the dirt," Rosie says, as we stab to the right.  
Sniff Sniff  
Kick at the ground  
Kick at the ground  
Twirly Twirl  
Raisy Horn to the sky  
Drinky Horn  
Raisy again  
All over body shake  
Huddley duddley  
Fall to knees  
HOOORRRRRRRRNNNNNNNN!  
Dave has spotted us and dances over, saying, "Hi laydeeezzz, lets groove!"

**One minute later**  
As we do huddley duddley I feel a hand pinch my bottom!! I look over at Dave, who is looking straight forward, but I know it was him because his eyes have gone all naughty-looking.

**One second later**  
He just did it again!! Unbelievable!!!

**Ten minutes later**  
Phew. I am boiling.  
The Stiff Dylans have stopped for a break and are now standing over by the bar. Lindsay is dithering about like a prat next to Masimo, flashing evil glances to the other girls swarming round him. How very typico.  
I sit down in an empty booth for a breather.  
"Hi Kittykat. How's your bottom?" Dave comes and plonks himself next to me.  
He is so cheeky!!!  
"My bottom is fine. How's your hand?"  
"It is elated, thanks for asking. Where are the rest of the Ace Gang?"  
"Jas is out sniffing badger bum-oleys, Ellen is dithering about at her dance lesson, Jools is over at Rollo's, and Rosie is just over there dancing with giant Elton," I say.  
Sven is twirling Rosie around wildly in the middle of the dance floor, shouting "Ja, oh ja, swing with me, baby!!!"  
People are eyeing them, with looks that one saves for the Completely Mad. Which they are.  
"So, Sex Kitty..." Dave says, putting his arm round me. He smells really good, I realise. And his eyes are quite nice, in a dark and shiney way.  
Oh Giddy God, girdey loins, girdey loins.  
He brings his head closer to mine, and my lips involuntarily begin to pucker.  
Stop it, stop it!!!  
His puts his hands either side of my face, gives me a soft kiss on the lips, and then another, this time harder and all warmey.  
He really is a vair vair good snogger.

**Ten minutes later**  
Still snogging. My red-bottom is completely out of control, and I have lost it's reigns.

* * *

I just want to say thank you for all the lovely reviews, you are all fab!! Keep R&Ring!!

xxx


End file.
